"To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Theme Variation

The world is. . . . Well through ill, the journey of my life has/// been a piece of cake; but, I tell you: You would not want to eat it. Recently, I have found myself often re-imagining incidents in my life based on the old saw: Knowing what I know now, if I could live my life over again, I would. . . . *** Reflecting on this, I have arrived at two conclusions: 1) "Knowing what I know now" cannot be substituted for knowing what I knew then -- 2) "If I could live my life over again, I would" do exactly what I did. Even if I grant that all my choices were made/ selflessly, I could only have made them as the wisdom I had at those moments moved me to. I am a creature of a continuum of present moments exiting from and entering into present moments, and the excellence of my memory and/or ability to devine the future notwithstanding, the best I can do is the best I can do at the moment of each choice because I am not a perfect being. "All you who are without sin cast the first stone." So, the idea that I should not fuss over a choice I have made because the past is past is inconsequential. I am not a Fatalist. In spite of the barriers against it, I know it is possible for me to improve, and to that end/ re-imagining an event which cannot be changed is not without value. About my memory: My memory tends to be tied to the traumatic, to those occurrences which impact my emotions. I do not have a strong rote memory. Only the first line of the poem linked to above remained available to my consciouness. Therefore, when I read the entire poem earlier today, I was shocked by a reference to a mythical being in it. A verse I included in my 1982 Alden St. Cloud First Pick, a verse written when I was in high school, appears to have been directly influenced by that poem. A mere twenty or twenty-five copies of First Pick were printed, and since I no longer had any of those copies, I have picked that book apart, placing what is in it in other books. Being a selected and new book, most of what is in it is from yet other books anyway. About my IQ: My first recollection is 117, but I have scored as low as 100 and as high as 150. Big deal. The only important test of that nature I did well on was the 1984 GRE I took at UF in Gainesville, Florida. I was 43 then, and had been motivated by a lawyer I knew to seek a degree in Accounting. In preparation I took several computer and accounting courses at the local college. I also studied rigorously for the exam. This is not the first time I have written about this online, but I scored 740 on the Verbal section and 630 on the Quant. I was accepted by the University of Florida's Fisher School of Accounting but I couldn't even muster the energy to make it through one semester. So I thought-- since Donald Justice, whom I had missed at Iowa, was conducting a workshop at UF--I should try to get into the university's Doctorate in English program. With help via a letter from Marvin Bell, I was accepted. However, unknown to me until after the fact, I chose to take a course in non-Shakespearean Renaissance Drama, a course presided over by that department's most difficult professor. Not that that would have made any real difference since even though I did get through the semester, I knew I would not be able to muster the energy to continue. The drama professor said I should continue writing poems. My spurt in Accounting, alas, had me in the stock market; and the GRE preparation had me into heuristic delvings in mathematics. I wrote some papers and a tome on the latter, and I built a tomb in the former. Back to the GRE. Online is a site which shows the IQ (using 2 measuring methods: Wechsler and Stanford-Binet) and also the Percentile a GRE score approximates. * Rather silly, but hey. Onward is the only direction: which means/ ever, ever closer to being no longer Earth-alive; which is why I say: Death is the only life worth living. kh00016

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