"To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."

Saturday, January 17, 2009

A disheveled life

is a sad life. Or is it? Here at the beginning of my 69th year as an Earth-alive human, I have set upon this rumination meaning to bemoan many of the choices I have made, believing them to be deleterious, and yet I know that had I not made them I would not be here as I now am: physically (i.e., bodily), geographically (i.e., in this bedroom in this apartment in this city, et, et, et), mentally (i.e., the locatable but intangible me, the "I am thought" as Rimbaud wrote), and/ spiritually. So: Were my sometimes outright hurtful choices necessarily without-redeeming- value choices? This morning while combing my hair, I broke my habit of always trying to make a straight part, and sought out how my hair wanted to part--I have a nasty cowlick. Voila! Odd, but: much better. A truly wise human--it could be asserted--is one who is able to learn quickly and thereby structure his/her life diligently. Were I to detail my life journeys/ it would be evident I am not a truly wise human. So what kind of human am I? I am a well,-that-didn't-work;- so-let's-try-this-approach guy. Result? A vast unevenness in antithetical disciplines. A hiatus of twenty years (approximately 1987 into 2007) from the realms of poetry. And what of my constant buying and moving and general fiscal irresponsibility? But Brian, how often must you go over these? Do you think you are a tragic hero? Were there no joys amid your so-called errors? Get a fife. Nonetheless, my major regrets: -- Stop! I just recalled an incident where I should have raised a question, but didn't; and recalling this incident has made me realize I cannot have any regrets/ because I would not have done anything other than what I did. I am a flawed being, and the flaws I had and have/ always impact my judgments/ positively, nega- tively, inconsequentially. So: where to/ then? There were the many relevance and categorization discussions. Now there are Don Share's recent posts on a variety of topics in the air; Joseph Hutchison's openness/closure conversation with Adam Fieled; the new multiplicities conversation about younger authors between Mark Wallace and Joseph Mosconi. All such--and there are like others--are good for the communities of poets. kh00014

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