sullen grey

                                                      
                                                            
Today began as partly cloudy, and then became mostly clear,
but by early afternoon was overcast.  Yesterday and the day
before were overcast just as large swaths of my life have     
been.  Two minutes ago 9:41 PM passed.  Earlier today I read
through an AOL picture-post about handwriting.  Guess I had
it in my head I might find something there that related to
me.  Nevertheless, when I was quite young I let a sporadic 
question: "Can't you ever do anything right?": traumatize
me; and I now suspect that most of the poor choices I have
made were the result of my stubbornly trying to prove that
indeed I could do things right.  In other words, instead of
allowing reason to guide me, I allowed emotion to, thereby
undermining my efforts to attain certain goals I had set.
Would I have attained those goals had I been willing to view
with a colder eye opportunities I was looking at?  Without
a doubt.  What opportunities?  Not sure I want to say, but
there were at least a dozen of them presented to me, and 
had I recognized them as worthy of a small risk--a risk I
could afford to take--I would have been, if all the other
events of my life had remained as they turned out to be,
a wealthy person before the diseases that forced me into
early retirement impacted me.  As it is, it may be I am poor
beyond repair, which doesn't mean I haven't made good
choices or haven't been inexplicably blessed because of 
certain other efforts of mine.  I have.  I have.  And yes,
I am being blessed right now.                             
                                                         
Do you know who God is?  No.  Nor do I.  But I do not go
with coincidence, or with fate, or with luck; therefore, God
for me is that power which makes possible everything;
is that power which most makes its presence visible when
inexplicable blessings enter one's life at those moments
when one is most in need of them, whether or not they are
recognized for what they are.  Watch God moments is what 
I have come to call them.                                  
                                                         
This is my ruminations den, and I decided tonight to hide
the comments option for this location.                   
                                                           
                                                            
                                                             
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kh00011