"To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."

Monday, November 10, 2008

sullen grey

Today began as partly cloudy, and then became mostly clear, but by early afternoon was overcast. Yesterday and the day before were overcast just as large swaths of my life have been. Two minutes ago 9:41 PM passed. Earlier today I read through an AOL picture-post about handwriting. Guess I had it in my head I might find something there that related to me. Nevertheless, when I was quite young I let a sporadic question: "Can't you ever do anything right?": traumatize me; and I now suspect that most of the poor choices I have made were the result of my stubbornly trying to prove that indeed I could do things right. In other words, instead of allowing reason to guide me, I allowed emotion to, thereby undermining my efforts to attain certain goals I had set. Would I have attained those goals had I been willing to view with a colder eye opportunities I was looking at? Without a doubt. What opportunities? Not sure I want to say, but there were at least a dozen of them presented to me, and had I recognized them as worthy of a small risk--a risk I could afford to take--I would have been, if all the other events of my life had remained as they turned out to be, a wealthy person before the diseases that forced me into early retirement impacted me. As it is, it may be I am poor beyond repair, which doesn't mean I haven't made good choices or haven't been inexplicably blessed because of certain other efforts of mine. I have. I have. And yes, I am being blessed right now. Do you know who God is? No. Nor do I. But I do not go with coincidence, or with fate, or with luck; therefore, God for me is that power which makes possible everything; is that power which most makes its presence visible when inexplicable blessings enter one's life at those moments when one is most in need of them, whether or not they are recognized for what they are. Watch God moments is what I have come to call them. This is my ruminations den, and I decided tonight to hide the comments option for this location. ----------- kh00011

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Rhodingeedaddee is my node blog. See my other blogs and recent posts.